Playbook for Women
by Kaizen Kitty
Summary: Always alone without a date? Then this story is right for you! Learn how to flirt with World's first Playbook for Women! A parody on Barney's Playbook.
1. Introduction

**The Playbook for Women**

Although Barney Stinson wrote a fairly decent playbook for men, in my opinion he failed to write one for women. So I have taken it upon myself to write one and educate all of you pathetic girls and women who no one wants to date in the act of flirting. This book can also be used as a reference for the experienced playgirl (women who act as players – yes, although few in numbers, they do exist!).

Okay, listen tight girlies, you wanna catch yourself a man? Make him your bitch? Your ho? Yes? Then you're in the right place.

Looking for a boyfriend, are we?

Leave now.

Seriously, GO!

Are you listening? Man, your persistence is sickening me, but okay, I'll go along with it...read for all you like. I don't care. (Don't forget to read the disclaimer, allright? Can't have your mommies and daddies sueing on me now, can I. With clicking on the next chapter you confirm that you know what this book entails. There is no way back. Your heart will be ruined, cynical, cold. Agreed? Only playgirls here.

Romantics - out!)

* * *

><p><span>Disclaimer:<span> When acting out any play in this book, succes is not guaranteed – do this on your own risk only! The author doesn't take any responsibility for the damage resulting from the following plays.


	2. The Hot Girl

**The** **Hot Girl:**

**1.** Make yourself look as hot as possible (make-up, maskara, lipgloss and a tight fitting outfit may come in handy).

Check up on youtube. There's lots of make-up tutorials on there. I'm not an expert. Now, scoot.

**2.** Go to your favourite public hang out place, and pick up guys.

What, you don't know how to do that? O_O Just wink and act dumb. The rest will go as follows.

**Bummer:** This only works when you're young… And the make up and other shit you'll need to look pretty will cost you. A lot. Of money... Perhaps you could ask your boyfriend* to lend you some? ;-)

* * *

><p>*Please note: this playbook does NOT condone cheating.<p> 


	3. The Artist

**The** **Artist:**

**1.** Take a sketchpad and a pen or pencil with you to a public place.

I don't know. Think of anything: a mall, a park, public transport... There should be guys!

**2.** Look for a suitable guy (suitable to your tastes), then start sketching him. Make sure to look at him now and then to make it fairly obvious you are drawing him…men don't do subtle.

**3.** Let him make the first move ;-).

I repeat: I know you want to, but do NOT approach him. He will. Yes, he WILL.

If he doesn't, he's clueless, and you're wasting your time.

Go find someone else.

**Bummer:** You have to be at least a little attractive to pull this off, otherwise you'll just look like a creepy stalker. And he won't come to you... The world isn't fair: dudes choose the pretty chicks over us all of the time...


	4. The Shy Girl

The Shy Girl:

1. When you spot your 'target' in a public area, keep staring at him from a distance (frequently give him many short glances).

2. When he notices you, lock eyes with him, and show him (through body language) that you want him. But continue acting shy! Make HIM come to you!

Bummer: Doesn't work on shy guys, guys spoilt with the attention of many girls, and naïve (or just plain stupid) guys who won't take a hint!


	5. The Less to Impress

The Less to Impress:

1. Wear as less clothing as juridically and morally possible (there actually is a law that prohibits people from walking nude…).

2. Go to a public area with lots of guys.

Bummer: Your body has to be in good shape (i.e. this isn't a suitable play for overweight or old women…).


	6. The Traffic Jam

The Traffic Jam:

1. Get yourself into a good long traffic jam on your local highway. Home-work traffic is your best chance, otherwise listen to the news on the radio – they actually advertise where traffic jams are!

2. Look for suitable guys in neighbouring cars (i.e. should be alone – no friends, women or children!).

3. Get their attention in any way possible. (Either by staring relentlessly or by honking on your car.)

Bummer: If you're not young or attractive you'll need an expensive car…


	7. The Divorcee

The Divorcee:

1. Go to your favourite bar/café, sit down at the counter (preferably close to the guy you're aiming for), and get your best depressed look on your face. (Eyedrops and simple non-waterproof maskara might help…)

2. When he asks you what's wrong (since you're sobbing heavily and ordering a ridiculous amount of drinks), tell him that you just went through a rough divorce.

3. Sleep with him.

Bummer: This requires VERY good acting skills (you'll have to keep up the act even when you're drunk!).


	8. The Employer

The Employer:

1. Go through the job application letters; and spot young, impressionable, naïve boys who just got out of college.

2. Trick them into believing their chances for acceptance to the position will increase if they sleep with you.

Bummer: You need to own a company or be a manager at a company that requires new employees.


	9. The Boarding School

The Boarding School:

1. Become a teacher at an all boys barding school, and fulfill your duties for around a half a year.

2. Tell the boys from the higher grades that their grades will increase if they sleep with you.

Bummer: It takes a lot of preparation time, you'll probably need specialized education to teach, and you have to be into younger boys…


	10. The Oops, Men's Bathroom

The Oops, Men's Bathroom:

1. Go to the Men's bathroom/toilet instead of the Women's.

2. Say you accidentally mixed up Men's and Women's…(By the way ofcourse check out the men present).

3. Wink or make it clear using body language that you want your 'chosen man'. (If you can't find anyone that interests you, repeat step 1 and 2 later).

Bummer: Again, you'll need to be fairly attractive…(otherwise you'll look like a creepy stalker).


	11. The Nightwalker

The Nightwalker:

1. Go out walking alone at night (let's say you can begin from around 10 p.m. until 2 a.m.) in the centre of a big city. (Preferably dress sexy.)

2. Look seductively at every suitable man you meet.

Bummer: Quality standards are low, so you might get STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease), you might be drugged (and kidnapped), or even worse: killed!


	12. The Guidance Counsellor

The Guidance Counsellor:

1. Become a guidance counsellor at a high scool or college (or even a company for that matter…).

2. Get your vulnerable male clients to sleep with you.

Bummer: Again, you'll need a degree…and if you do this at a high school or college, you've got to be into younger boys.


	13. The Mommy

The Mommy:

1. Get your kid (preferably of young, unsuspecting age) into a school with a hot teacher.

2. Flirt with your kid's teacher. (Hint: tell your kid to behave badly at school, and offer 'compensation' when the teacher calls on you to discuss your child's behaviour.)

Bummer:You need to have a kid.


	14. The Team Captain

The Team Captain:

1. Become team captain/ trainer/ coach/ gym teacher of an all boys sports team.

2. Tell them you found a new way how to 'increase team spirit': sleep with all of them.

Bummer: You probably need a degree, and you need to be into sports. (Again, the 'younger guy' issue comes into play…)


	15. The Ladies First

The Ladies First:

1. Let a man open a door for you/ let you go first on the bus/ in any way be a gentleman towards you.

2. Give him your most seductive thank you (you can smile, use body language…).

Bummer: Doesn't work on egotistic jerks… Plus you need to act charming and feminine.


	16. The Travestite

The Travestite:

1. Dress up like a guy. (Wearing a turtle neck might help to cover up the fact you don't have an Adam's apple.)

2. Go to a gay bar and try to hook up a decent looking guy (if you're lucky enough to find one in a gay bar…).

3. When he finds out you're a woman (i.e. have breasts), explain that you were actually born a man, but your penis got cut off accidentally during your circumcision…so your parents made you undergo tons of surgeries to 'turn you into a woman'. But deep in your heart you're still a man!

Bummer: You'll need to look a little manly (face, body proportions) if you want him to buy your story…


	17. The Pheromones

The Pheromones:

1. Don't shower or wash yourself for one week. And make sure not to wear any deodorant or perfume!

2. Go about your daily business. You'll notice that you're getting much more attention. (Here's how it works: natural female pheromones are much more attractive to men than perfume. And since attraction to certain pheromones is genetically determined, this play will even help you find the man that is the most biologically suitable to you!)

Bummer: Don't overdo it! To the naked eye it shouldn't be noticeable that you haven't showered in days! Otherwise you'll only attract beggars and filthy lazy bums with long hair and tattoos…


	18. The Exchange Student

The Exchange Student:

1. Pretend to be an exchange student (use a weird accent, try to make yourself look exotic – it would help if you actually were an emigrant or foreigner).

2. Tell your 'target' at the bar/café that before you go back to your opressing life in your native country (would help if it were a country with a dictatorship regime) and your strict parents (would help if the country you supposedly came from was very big on traditions or very conservative), you'd like to have a feel of what freedom is (would help if you were performing this play in the US or any other democratic country).

3. Give him a suggestive wink.

Bummer: You need to be young (or at least look like an innocent exchange student).


	19. The Desperate

The Desperate:

(for those who can't act out all the other plays listed in this book…)

1. Go register yourself at an online dating site.

2. Date a guy, sleep with him, then never call again.

Bummer: You're spoiling it for other people out there who are genuinely looking for a real relationship through a dating site. So actually there is no bummer! Only gain!


	20. The Compliment

The Compliment:

1. Compliment a guy on anything (better be something he values in himself or would like to portray himself as – but actually it doesn't matter: Men have huge egos and anything that caresses their pride will be welcomed with open arms.)

2. Wink suggestively.

Bummer: Doesn't work on honest selfless guys…luckily there aren't that many of them!


	21. The Damsel in Distress

The Damsel in Distress:

1. Get into trouble (no matter what: flat tire, fall down, drop something, be unable to open a jar…).

2. Beg/ask a nearby guy for help. (This usually works because all guys are natural protectors. They'll do anything for a poor helpless woman!)

3. Suggestive wink (if you haven't done it already)…

Bummer: Again, doesn't work on egotistic jerks… And be carefull not to get yourself into too much trouble (like life threatening situations)!


End file.
